Even in a secure, healthy relationship, it’s natural for questions to arise as to emotional cheating, a broad and encompassing term meant to describe the gray area around non-physical cheating. Unlike classic infidelity, which hinges on physical acts, emotional cheating is an umbrella term and can include otherwise innocent behaviors, like intimate disclosure. Generally, then, to define emotional cheating, start with the intent behind it–is it calculated to deceive?–and ask whether it abides by a reasonable expectation of honesty and loyalty previously agreed to on both sides.
When we talk about emotional cheating, we’re talking about a progression of motivations and behaviors, all patterned after the emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship. The only difference is, emotional cheating takes place not with your partner, but behind their back, in breach of their trust.
One useful way of thinking about emotional cheating, then, is that it mimics cheating generally, up to the point of physical consummation. In emotional affairs, or affairs of the heart, as they’re called, expect the usual indicators of a normal romantic relationship: a bond based on emotional intimacy, divulged in the expectation of understanding and reciprocity; the investment of time, personal resources, and energy into a person; and sexual chemistry (that may be sublimated or unconsummated). In cases of emotional cheating this bond forms between one person, who is already in a relationship, and a third party, who their partner knows nothing about.
Typically relationships operate by a set of rules, both stated and implied, that guide our behavior. These rules are commonly held, or co-created, and tend to allow for some give and take. Foremost among these rules is exclusivity–the stipulation that we will not, say, go on dates with people other than our partner. A second hallmark of emotional cheating concerns breaking such rules, and then covering one’s tracks so as not to get caught. Moving to cover up behavior via deception and dishonesty in order to trick one’s partner is one clear symptom of emotional cheating. Beyond deception, other signs of an emotional affair include withdrawal from the normal exchange of intimacy, emotional coldness or unavailability, and in some cases even an uptick in irritability around one’s partner.
Naturally, if one party is finding emotional fulfillment outside the relationship, the relationship will suffer. Even before unearthing an emotional affair, a cheating partner may notice declining interest for high-quality engagement, including the exchange of daily intimacy, on their side. They may initiate fewer conversations around emotional topics, compliment their partner less, and seek them out less frequently for approval.
Emotional cheating often entails an escalation of intimacy, culminating in physical infidelity. This course of escalations is only natural, given that emotional affairs stoke the desire for closeness and connection. There’s also the fact that emotional cheating thrives, in part, on time alone, a key precondition for physical infidelity. To a person engaged in an emotional affair, once they’ve succeeded in deceiving their partner about forming intimate connections with others, deceiving them about sexual relations becomes that much less taboo.
In some sense, emotional cheating is a relative term. One partner may find entirely natural the development of close, platonic connections with others, whereas another partner may wish to establish less permeable boundaries in this area. Clearly, what matters is the open-mindedness to hone in on an understanding suitable for both parties, one that is realistic and sustainable over time. At the outset of your relationship, make a point of broaching emotional cheating in the interest of testing out your partner’s intuitions free of judgment, and see if you can bring any disparities into alignment around what constitutes appropriate versus inappropriate connection outside the relationship.
Once you’ve broached the topic of emotional affairs, keep the lines of communication open. Robust, long-term bonds may loosen or tighten over time, and so long as two people are on the same page, they’re less likely to experience feelings of betrayal if and when their partner fulfills needs with other people,
While open-mindedness facilitates understanding, healthy relationships also thrive on clear boundaries, so be willing to state them! And note: though one person’s boundary may not be another’s, to a ‘T,’ happy relationships do not obsess over perfect consistency of rules; they seek to meet needs within an acceptable range of tolerance and understanding.
In cases where emotional cheating has occurred, confront the issue head-on, but do so constructively, seeking repair over revenge. As the aggrieved party, consider what it is you’d consider a successful resolution to the problem, and work backwards from there. Jot down questions you’d like to pose, statements you’d like to make, and imagine delivering them to your partner. Are they true to your style of communication previously? Do they aim at reconciliation, or humiliation?
As the guilty party, prepare to fully acknowledge your role in what happened, free of qualifiers. Repairing trust is not a one-sided process, but it should begin by reckoning with personal accountability. Only once you’ve taken responsibility is it fair to ask your partner to do so, in turn; otherwise you risk deflecting blame onto your partner, which makes them at once victim and perpetrator, excusing you from a role in what happened.
If navigating the aftermath of emotional cheating seems like a lot, consider professional help. Relationship therapists specialize in posing pointed questions, prodding the two of you to reflect, as a unit, on next steps. Allocating dedicated time each week for professional care can help usefully compartmentalize the repair process, instead of allowing it to overwhelm the joyful parts of your relationship. If you begin to notice a deadlock in conversations with your partner, or fear settling into a pattern of defensiveness and recrimination, consulting with an outside perspective may help you zoom out, so to speak, on the issue.
One way of navigating emotional infidelity is dating with intentionality. At Tawkify, our personalized matchmaking services prioritize depth of compatibility, and help you avoid the pitfalls of a dating pool that may be mismatched to your relationship goals. If strong, trust-filled relationships matter to you, learn more about Tawkify here.
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